I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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