the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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