She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
