when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
