You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
