Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
