My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
