This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize