fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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