your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
