The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
