I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
