Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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