ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
