i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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