Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
