Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
