I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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