he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
