paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
