a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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