There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize