The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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