epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
