I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have feelings that need drinking.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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