Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
