the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
