So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
