Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
