just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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