So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
