saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
