i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
