Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
