i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
