The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
