I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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