One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
