my being single is dangerous.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
