allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
jump out the window naked night went bad
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
