in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
