the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
