just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
