someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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