I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
