i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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