this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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