The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
