Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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