He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
