vagina is talking i cant
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
