she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
