I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
