Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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