apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
