One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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