you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
