The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
